Costume Shop Chronicles Vol 4

(A little background: I spent 20 years in the corporate world as a communications hack before I just couldn't take the self-evaluations, staff meetings, team-building exercises, micromanagement and being surrounded by other people who suffered from the same profound sense of dread for one more second. Decided to take a break and got a great little part-time job in an eccentric costume shop and am loving life. These are my stories so far, as told via Facebook. See Vol. 1 here, Vol. 2 here and Vol. 3 here. 

12/5/2013

Long story short, I put the "Out of my mind, back in five minutes" sign up and ran two doors down to Herzburg Furs with the unlabeled Mrs. Claus dress in a panic, looking for my buddy, the fur technician, to help me figure out if it would fit a size 18. She wasn't there and the super snooty salesman was not expecting to see me, but totally sized it perfectly on sight.

I like to think that he's posting a "crazy thing happened to me today at work" FB status about the pink-haired chick from the weird costume shop busting through the door with a Mrs. Claus dress.

12/6/2013

I sent Frosty thumpety-thump-thumping off to the Knightdale Christmas parade with no shoes -- an EPIC screwup. But I didn't have to go to a supervisor's office for a talking to, then with the supervisor to the middle-manager's office for a second talking to before being enrolled in an all-day "development" seminar. ;D

12/11/2013

When the older, well-dressed lady saw my pink hair and asked, "Bad dye job, honey?" I immediately shot back, "No. Awesome dye job, sweetie."

My boss, when she finally caught her breath from laughing, gasped, "Girl, my rent's probably gonna go up for that, but the look on her face was worth it."

I didn't know the woman owns our shopping center. Oopsie. ;D

12/12/2013

Today at the costume shop, I was filling out a rental agreement for a customer whose last name was Funk, and I immediately felt compelled to blurt out, "My last name is F-r-i-n-k!" (After all these years, I still spell my name, rather than pronounce it, to strangers.)

"So you've heard them all before, too," she replied.

"I over-pronounce the 'i' when I'm spelling it out," I said.

"I do the same with the 'n'," she sighed.

I loved her.

12/12/2013 

Today in my own personal Santaland Diary: We are turning and burning rental Santa suits like crazy at the costume shop. Louie, the owner, and I have the same education credential, so as we stood on opposite sides of the counter, brushing and styling a massive pile of white wigs and beards, I quipped, "This is what you can do with an English degree."

Our co-worker, who was busy steaming suits said, "I don't have an English degree."

In almost perfect time, we yelled, "That's why we only let you run the steamer." 

12/13/2013

Santaland is hell. 

12/17/2013

A customer walked into the costume shop and said, "I'm the weirdo who called about a tutu." "I'm the weirdo you spoke to," I replied.

12/18/2013

Things I have learned at the costume shop: The kindly, jovial, rotund, older gentlemen who freelance as "real-beard" Santas charge up to $150 an hour and make their bank this time of the year.

When two of them run into each other while stopping at the store for extra gloves or eyebrow whitener, the tension is palpable. Everything seems to come to a halt as they lock eyes and wait for the other to twitch while the strains of the theme for "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" fill the air.

It is hilarious.

12/20/2013

Here's exactly how I just described a young couple I met at the costume shop today to Mr. Sweetypants: "They were just as nice as they could be, but if you saw him walking toward a park, you'd instinctively start herding children away. She wasn't unattractive, but she didn't spend a whole lot of money on her neck tattoos. Bless their hearts."

12/21/2013

I got all the way to the costume shop before realizing I'd neglected to put on a belt. The last thing I wanted to do was walk right out of my britches in front of a customer, so I scrambled to find one in the rentals; they were all either too big or too small. So I took a white rope from an elf suit and Jethro Bodine-d it through my shift.

I'm gonna make that a thing.

12/23/2013

My very favorite Santaland story from the costume shop this season: The 30-ish hockey league guy who does the "Skate with Santa" event at the Raleigh Iceplex returned his rental suit and told me about the snot-nosed kid who kept skating up behind him, tugging on his suit as he was pulling the little kids on a sleigh and proclaiming he could be as mean as he wanted to Santa, because Santa wasn't real.

The customer got fed up, grabbed the kid by the collar, and said, "If you do that again, Santa is going to punch you in the face." The kid ran off and didn't get back on the ice again.

These stories make my job rewarding.

12/27/2013

Hipster boy, who rubbed me the wrong way from the get-go at the costume shop today: "I have an obscure question."

Me: "No, you don't in here."

HB: "Do you have any Dr. Frankenfurter costumes?"

So I launched into the spiel about our Frankie wigs, corsets, pearls, fishnets, green scrubs and boots.

HB: "You know Rocky Horror?"

Me, bitchily: "I wrote my college film thesis about it before you were born, Sweetie."

The kid's boyfriend was mortified and very, very sweet.

12/30/2013

I totally understand why one would call an off-the-beaten-track specialty store with weird hours before driving out. But today, I took three calls in a row at the costume shop that consisted of the same three-word question, "Are you open?" And three times in a row, exhibiting a great feat of self-restraint, I DID NOT reply, "No. We're closed. I was bored so I drove across town to talk on this phone.

12/31/2013

Today in "Stump the Costumer": A Pentecostal mother and teenaged daughter, both wearing floor-length skirts and butt-length hair, came into the costume shop looking for "modest" flapper dresses.

1/8/2014

I suppose if the highlight of my career was appearing as an extra in a movie featuring The Mr. Kevin Sorbo, I'd feel compelled to work it into conversations with strangers, too.

1/17/2014

Today at the costume shop, I talked my fireball of a boss into rewording the masterpiece of an exasperated, Southern putdown she tossed off the top of her head the third time the customer requested a list of all our costumes in an email.

"Girl," she replied, "you bring the vanilla into my life, and you've got hot pink hair."

1/22/2014

Grabbed what I thought was a Healthy Choice meal to heat in the microwave while working solo at the costume shop today. Only when I got there did I realize it was a package of Green Giant baby Brussels sprouts in butter sauce. I enjoyed them.

3/2/2014

The college student who works part-time with me at the costume shop is a tough, awesome girl, but a jerk customer rattled her the other night and demanded to speak to the manager over the rental terms. I went and repeated everything to the customer my young friend had already told her.

After the woman left, my young friend said, "Sometimes they think that because I'm so young, I don't know what I'm doing."

"Sometimes they misjudge me because of my appearance," I assured her. "They think they're smarter than the weirdo."

"We'll prove them wrong," she replied with a smile.

And at that moment, I became Iona and found my Andie. I would totally give her my prom dress if I still had it.

3/7/2014

Customer: I dress like a lizard 24 days a year.

Me: Of course you do.

Ugh, LARPers.

3/10/2014

My boring co-workers at my boring office job.

3/15/2014

Today at the costume shop, a customer called to inquire about a specific hat and whether it would fit a "normal woman's" head. I assured her it fit mine just fine.

"Good, you sound normal," she said.

"You haven't seen me," I replied. She laughed.

3/21/2014

My favorite Orthodox Rabbi brought me some delicious hamantaschen. I waived his late fee. Num num num...

3/21/2014

Today at the costume shop, the awesome State student who helps out part time gently suggested to a customer that the Peter Pan outfit he wanted to try on was probably too big for him.

"The customer is always right," he shot back.

The "customer" was around nine years old and dressed in his private academy uniform. His mother didn't bat an eye.

3/23/2014

I would be the worst LARPer or civil war re-enactor ever. I would just stand there, smoking a cigarette and rolling my eyes anytime someone claimed to have killed me. "No you didn't. You missed."

3/26/2014

Two adorable ladies came into the costume shop to try to sell us ad space in the Miss Senior USA pageant program. When they left, Lou said, "Your Sainted Southern Mother should enter."

"It wouldn't be fair to the other contestants," I replied.

3/27/2014

I hope that because I was wearing a pink and white feather boa and a Mrs. Roper caftan nobody I know blesses my heart after noticing that I was having a Very Bad Hair Day when the Shop Local Raleigh tv spot starts airing. #shoplocal

4/6/2014

So today at the costume shop, I was outside minding my own business when my boss stuck her head out the door and said, "When you finish your cigarette, I need to dress you like Freddy Krueger."

4/11/2014

The bunny suits were shedding on my black sweater, so I put on a colorful dashiki that brings out the pink in my pants and blue in my hair. I look goooood.

4/12/2014

I met the most adorable, quirky, inquisitive, imaginative six-year-old girl at the costume shop. I was so utterly charmed and delighted by her, especially after she hugged me, that I whispered to her mom (who also had blue hair), "You have done an amazing job!"

Friends with kids: Is that an okay or really creepy thing to say to a parent?

4/30/2014

Today at the costume shop, I had been on the line with a customer over a minute answering question after question about a horse mask. (Do you have it? How much? Will it cover my head? What's it made of? Is it cheap-looking? What color is it?)

"What's the expression on his face?" he asked last.

"Pensive," I replied. He laughed and said he'd come by tomorrow to get it.

5/16/2014

In which I learn a valuable beauty lesson from a proper Southern lady...

Today at the costume shop, a very well-outfitted, attractive, charming 70-something couple drove in from Kinston (a couple of hours away down east) to find her an outfit to wear at the benefit to celebrate the 100th anniversary of a children's home, located in a Civil War-era house on 122 acres. She would be leading tours of the historic home and needed period-appropriate attire.

It's not unusual at all for us to help outfit doyennes from historical societies in a 100-mile radius for their celebrations, so I knew what I was doing. They both had limited mobility pains, so I brought the gentleman a stool to rest on while showing his wife different options to try on. When she stepped into the dressing room, he went with her to help dress and zip. I stood outside and she called out, in the most beautiful Southern accent people of that generation still have, "Honey? Do you mind coming in to help us?"

I stepped inside and immediately felt the palpable love and trust they had between them. We did this for three outfit changes and I fell more in love/charmed with her each time. She didn't even bat an eye at my blue hair and trusted my responses when she asked, "What do you think, young lady?" 

After we found the very perfect early-20th century dress that completely flattered her figure and color, I started writing their rental contract and chatting with them about the fundraiser and charity.

"I was seven years old when I arrived there," she said. "There were four of us and I was the oldest. We had a horrible home life before the state stepped in and got us out. I still remember how wonderful it felt to have my own bed and a place to put my clothes, and I had no real clothes of my own before.

"Everybody had chores, and mine was sweeping the dining hall. My little sister wasn't kindergarten age, but she still remembers her first job -- taking a pan of melted butter and brushing the toast for breakfast.

"We rotated chores every three months so everybody learned all the jobs it took to be grownups. Of course, at the end of each three months, we all got anxious about which jobs we'd get assigned next, because some were more fun than others."

She asked me if I was old enough to remember Nancy Drew. "Yes, ma'am," I replied. "I loved Nancy Drew!"

"We called ourselves the Nancy Drew gang. When we had laundry job after school, we had a set number of shirts we had to do. Honey, to this day, I can iron fast and well, because when we were done, we could take off and run. We'd cut through the cornfields so no one could see us and go right on down to the river!

"We alumni are getting older, but we're looking forward to getting together for the reunion and sock-hop. Spending money here is the least I can do, I'll tell anyone I would do cartwheels across America to give back to them for what they did for me."

I had hot tears streaming down my face. She dabbed at her own before saying, "You need to wear waterproof mascara, honey."

5/28/2014

Reason #256 I love my little job at the costume shop: Louie picked up an "Employee of the Month" pin at a thrift store and gave it to me as a joke. I wore it proudly all day because it meant more to me than any corporate kudos gift card I ever got in my old life; plus, she doesn't require "team-building" retreats offsite or all-day seminars where we learn to make "I feel..." statements.

6/20/2014

Reason #736 I love my little job at the costume shop: Today, one of my very favorite customers ever came in. She's 70, fabulously eccentric and comes in from time to time to stock up the "dressup trunk" she shares with her grandchildren.

After I rung her up, she reached right across the counter, put her hands on my cheeks, smushed them and said, "You're one of the exotics. The beautiful people. Thank you for being here."

6/25/2014

A really cool 20-something woman came into the costume shop tonight. As we were chit-chatting, she asked me what kind of business we do this time of year.

"We get a lot of cosplayers and LARPers," I replied.

"I used to be into that," she replied sheepishly, before adding, "then I learned to breathe through my nose instead of my mouth."

6/26/2014

I was outside the costume shop, minding my own business, when a very distinguished older gentleman serenaded me with, "Beautiful, beautiful blue hair, I'll never love black hair again." I giggled and blushed.

7/17/2014

I worked at the costume shop today. A guy my age came in to purchase kid-safe black and white face paint to make his six-year-old daughter look like her favorite character, Paul Stanley, from her favorite movie ever, "KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park," at her very first KISS show this Sunday. Of course my head fell off.

7/24/2014

I just saw the single-most awesome thing ever when I pulled into the crowded parking lot. Three Red Hat Ladies were leaning against an SUV, smoking cigarettes and giving not one damn that it was taking up two parking spaces.

It was 15 minutes before the costume shop officially opened, but I invited them to come on in because I love Red Hat Ladies!

8/16/2014

I worked at the costume shop for a couple of hours yesterday. Spent half that time transforming a nightclub owner into Michael Jackson with clothes, hair and makeup for an 80s night event.

He was so happy with the results he invited me to come out and offered to comp drinks for me and a guest. I said, "Thanks, Sweetie, but I'll be in my pajamas hours before y'all even open."

That's right. I said it. Even free liquor can't make me want to go to a nightclub ever again. #formerpartygirl

8/22/2014

9/11/2014

Today in things that really happened, I was listening and replying to voicemails at the costume shop. One was from a customer in a small-town theater group who'd come all the way to Raleigh to get makeup for their production.

She said she was having a hard time with getting the grease pencil to expand after it went blunt. She assured me she had tried twisting it both ways, but it didn't work.

So I called her back and said, "Ma'am, you need to use a pencil sharpener."

9/13/2014

I think I made a new BFF at the costume shop today. She had me HOWLING for so long my face hurt. Her name is Melissa and we had this exchange right before she left:

Melissa: You should host kids' parties in here.

Me: I really don't want to host kids' parties ever.

Melissa: Me neither, and I have three. You should sell liquor and have grownup parties here.

Me: I am so going to run that by Louie.

9/15/2014

I've got to hand it to my Sainted Southern Mother. She has gotten really good at biting her tongue over my choices in hair color. This morning, as we were chatting about my gray roots, she let slip, "I would love to see you with dark hair again before I expire."

"I've got just the wig at the costume shop," I told her. "It's called the 'Kelly'. For a synthetic, it's stunning."

Her eyes probably rolled all the way back into her head, but she didn't let on.

Gotta love my mama.

9/19/2014

Reason #329 I love my little costume-shop job: I was working solo and really needed to pee, so I said to the pretty twink who had been trying to decide between two outfits for his runway show at a club for an hour and a half, "Sweetie, it didn't take me this long to pick out my wedding dress."

9/24/2014

9/25/2014

When I told the harried, young, professional woman holding a cranky toddler I'd call her when her special order from the costume shop came in, she asked, "Could you text me instead?"

I told her I couldn't text her because I emancipated myself from carrying a personal smart phone the day I emancipated myself from my last corporate job.

"That must be amazing," she replied.

It really is. #phonefreelife

9/26/2014

An amicable, retired couple just came in the costume shop to look for hooded robes. I chatted with them as I showed them some rentals.

"We're looking to purchase," the husband told me. "We don't need them for Halloween, we need them for rituals."

Okey doke.

10/1/2014

I apologize in advance for posting this around dinner time...

The customer at the costume shop was just as nice as he could be, and I have pretty good interpersonal communication skills, but I just could not look him in the face during our interaction. My eyes were drawn to the giant, crusty booger dangling precariously from his untrimmed nose hairs and I was terrified it would fall on my counter.

10/4/2014

Today at the costume shop reminded me of the old corporate days, middle managers and HR types. Brrrr...

10/7/2014

You know when you're in such a foul mood you get to the point of making fun of yourself for being so freaking irritable?

After holding the indecisive Halloween customer's hand at the costume shop for a long time, I finally filled out the rental contract 45 minutes after I was scheduled to go home. As I went to file it, I saw that I had scribbled "Mad Hater" under the description.

Had to laugh at my own ill self.

10/11/2014

I walked into the back room of the costume shop and heard heavy breathing. Darth Vader's head turned itself on. (Double entendre unintended, but stays.)

10/18/2014

Just loudly threatened to throw a bucket of cold water on two amorous teenagers in the costume shop. Don't nobody want to see that.

10/19/2014

Even work spouses bicker when stressed.