This is a nice place... too bad we can't stay, baby

My building is four minutes from my house inside the beltline, but I never knew it was there because it's in the opposite direction from downtown, set back from the road where you can't see it for all the green, leafy trees. From the building itself, you'd never know you were in Raleigh because all you can see is green, leafy trees.

I was in the designated smoking section today, surrounded by green, leafy trees, when I saw something I've never seen in 19 years living here, one of the two reasons I had to flee my Shallotte home and move inland.

There, between me and the door to get back in was a repulsive, evil, green chameleon. It cocked its head back, showed its money and said in a demon's voice, "Get out." (I heard it. Really.)

I screamed and panicked because I was outside by myself. I threw a twig in its general direction to get it to move, but it didn't. So squealing like a freaked-out four-year-old, with my arms flailing and my face twisted in terror, I ran as fast as I could past it so it wouldn't have time to jump on me and suck my eyeballs out... all the while being recorded on a security camera.

At least I didn't fall down. Women in old horror movies always got picked off early because they couldn't help falling down.