Costume Shop Chronicles, Vol. 2

That girl from Shallotte at that costume shop in Raleigh

(A little background: I spent 20 years in the corporate world as a communications hack before I just couldn't take the self-evaluations, staff meetings, team-building exercises, micromanagement and being surrounded by other people who suffered from the same profound sense of dread for one more second. Decided to take a break and got a great little part-time job in an eccentric costume shop and am loving life. These are my stories so far, as told via Facebook. See Vol. 1 here.)

4/24/13

How many customers or clients on the phone today told you, "I think I love you"? A woman who sounded about my age called the costume shop asking for a specific costume we don't carry for her kid's school project, so I told her about all the things we could do to trick something out to make it work. She said,"Yeah, I can do that. I'm crafty." "And you're just my type," I replied.#lovemyjob

4/28/13

I never in a million years thought I'd use the words, "great friend," "funniest person I've ever met" and "boss" to describe the same person... then I met Louie.

5/2/13

Today at the costume shop, a man came in to rent the scariest gorilla costume we could find. He and a bunch of other dads are going on a father-son camping trip with their 11- and 12-year olds in the mountains this weekend and have been telling the boys that bigfoot lives there. This dad is going to run by, out in the woods, and scare the holy crap out of them.#bestdadever

5/4/13

Hey, at least my writer's block finally cleared up

After I drink this liter of Pepe Lopez tequila and get back from my Silkwood shower at our local nuclear plant, I'm going to figure out where to place this line in the story of my day that's writing itself in my head right now:

"My co-worker and I worked desperately to engage and entertain the Norman-Rockwell-painting grandfather and two kids (seriously, the little boy had a baseball and mitt) to prevent them from turning around and seeing the middle-aged man walking around wearing only shirttails and the support hose and ballet slippers he brought with him, desperately trying to get us all to look at him for his own gratification."

5/5/13

A late-20-ish woman came into the costume yesterday looking for ideas for something to wear to a party themed, "Things that used to be cool."

"Just go as me, Sweetie," I replied. 

5/10/13

Today at work was so kick-ass I totally forgot to bitch about how hot it is outside.

5/11/13

A dull day at a costume shop is a million times more fun than corporate-sanctioned "fun day" in an office.

5/15/13

The simplest joys really do make everyday life fabulous. I strolled into the costume shop today with with my new "Electric Flamingo" 'do and was greeted with a big, boisterous, "Girl! I love your hair!" from the owner. (Can't believe I lasted as long as I did at my last corporate job...)

5/18/13

A guy came into the shop and asked about nerd costumes. In a great feat of restraint, I did not point out the fact that he was already wearing glasses and a Halo tee shirt.

5/22/13

The real-life version of Comic Book Guy came into the costume shop today. After complaining that our Chewbacca costume was not up to his standards after he'd spent the weekend practicing his Chewbacca sound effect for Animazement, he demanded to see Spartans. I pulled out the rack of Greek and Roman costumes and he sneered, "You seem to have misunderstood me, I was referring to Spartan from Halo."

5/23/13

A guy asked me if this is my real hair. "Yes," I replied, "but it's not my natural color."

5/23/13

A man came into the costume shop to rent a Batman costume for his Batman-comic obsessed son's surprise birthday party. We have several Batman incarnations, so I showed him all of them to make sure we got it exactly right. Otherwise, he said, his son would die of embarrassment in front of his friends.

"Even if he does," I assured the dad, "he will be telling this with his other 'awesome things my dad' did for me stories for the rest of his life." 

6/4/13

A 20-something guy came into the costume shop looking for something to wear to an 80s party with a $1,000 prize for best band costume. I pulled down the sign-board ace of spades card costume and told him to wear it, a fake facial wart, long black wig and sunglasses. He said, "I've never heard of Motörhead" and bought a mullet wig.

6/5/13

So the dude got on my first nerve by telling his friend, "This place is creepy. I would hate to be here after dark." He got on my last nerve by asking me, "Do you go home smelling like old clothes?" Yet somehow, in a great feat of restraint, I DID NOT ask in return, "Do you go home smelling like Summer's Eve or regular old water and vinegar?"

6/7/13

Today at the costume shop, a guy tried to banter with me by asking, "Were you born with purple hair?" I said, "No. It was green when I was born, but the treatments were successful." Louie howled laughing. The guy was trying to get us to switch phone companies and we were busy trying to get the hoops back into hoop skirts after cleaning them.

6/12/13

To entertain myself at the costume shop today, I took the discarded hair net from the wig I'd just sold and put it over my hair. Without missing a beat, my colleague, said, "Meat? You want a meat?" Easiest cheap and recognizable costume ever: K&W Cafeteria lady.

6/14/13

Working solo at the costume shop and rocking the old AC/DC. I really wish I was in a staff meeting or team-building exercise instead. Sucks for me. 

6/19/13

Other than the reality television crew shooting inside the store, it was a dull day at the costume shop.

6/24/13

I dressed the real-life version of Seth Galifianakis and he chastised me for not being active in the Order of the Eastern Star. 

6/28/13

I was in the middle lanes in front of Crabtree, almost all the way to work, when my large, unsweet tea exploded, completely soaking me. I got to the store, where a couple of customers were waiting for me to open. "Y'all gimme just a few minutes," I said. They were probably perplexed when I came back a couple minutes later, wearing a NASCAR driver's jumpsuit, but were polite enough not to ask.

6/29/13

Every once in a while, a random encounter with a stranger turns into a moment in time you will love forever. Today, a woman came into the shop with her autistic son, who loves history. As he was mesmerized with the medieval weapons, she talked (not chatted) with me. Before I even realized it, I'd told her my story of being in the corporate world before landing at the offbeat costume shop.

We talked for a while before they left and she said goodbye, then turned back in the doorway and said, "I'm glad you're enjoying your life." Didn't get her name, but I won't soon forget how much that meant to me.

7/10/13

I was working solo at the costume shop, answering customer emails, when a salesman came in and declared he was looking for business owners who love golf. I glanced briefly up from my typing and said, "And you are completely out of luck in here." He left.

7/18/13

A 60-something woman came into the costume shop in a last-ditch effort to find a lipstick similar to her beloved and now-discontinued shade. We don't stock lipstick in our theatrical makeup, but I spent 10 minutes making phone calls and helping her search the web for leads. I know all too well the trauma that comes after the discontinuation of a cosmetic product. RIP, Manic Panic Deadly Nightshade.

7/26/13

Long story short: The pervy exhibitionist formerly known only as "Mr. French" will no longer be coming into the costume shop and parading around in just his pantyhose in front of anyone -- most importantly children. Y'all can call me Chris Hansen.

7/27/13

A man whose profession is clowning was joking with me about my fear of clowns in the costume shop. "Sorry," I replied, "but you're all John Wayne Gacy to me."

7/31/13

Reason number 253 I love my job at the costume shop: In my last corporate job, framed motivational posters with lines like "Teamwork: Many hands, many minds, one goal" lined the walls. On the counter at the shop, we have a framed quote that reads, "I see you've set aside this time to humiliate yourself in public." It sits next to the one that reads, "No matter how much you cry, no matter how much you sigh, all sales are final 'til the day you die."

8/3/13

Two corporate types came into my beloved, family-owned and -operated costume shop and bought stuff for a training video. As one was paying, he asked if we gave corporate discounts. In a great feat of restraint, I did NOT roll my eyeballs all the way into the back of my head and say, "Bitch, please" OR say, "Corporations get enough discounts already." I got enough satisfaction smiling and saying, in my sweetest Brunswick County accent, "We sure don't" as I swiped his corporate card. #supportsmallbusinesses

8/7/13

A woman trying on a sexy pirate wench costume groused that it looked better in the photo on the packaging. I, in a great feat of restraint, did not reply, "Well, the model wearing it is 30 years younger than you and a model."

8/8/13

Just had a great hair-color conversation with a hilarious woman in the shop. I told her my natural color is North American Field Mouse. She replied, "Mine, too, girl, but in Tennessee, we call it Chicken Dookie Brown."

8/9/13

Reason number 740 I love my job at the costume shop: Louie said, "Girl, we've earned it today," and busted out the red Solo cups at 4:30.

8/24/13

A customer tried to haggle with me over a rental price and said, "Come on, have you ever watched Pawn Stars?" "Yep," I replied, "and I'm the old man." He laughed. 

Click here for Vol. 3.

Costume Shop Chronicles, Vol.1

That Girl From Shallotte at That Costume Shop in Raleigh

(A little background: I spent 20 years in the corporate world as a communications hack before I just couldn't take the self-evaluations, staff meetings, team-building exercises, micromanagement and being surrounded by other people who suffered from the same profound sense of dread for one more second. Decided to take a break and got a great little part-time job in an eccentric costume shop and am loving life. These are my stories so far, as told via Facebook.)


9/4/12

I'm going to be hanging out at Hughie and Louie's Costumes and Magic on Thursdays, helping people play dress-up. Come see me!

9/13/12

Fluffed feather boas most of the afternoon.

9/20/12

Helped dress a family for a Soul Train party today. Having a blast at the costume shop makes me never want to go back to the corporate world again. Wait, I've felt like that the last 10 years in the corporate world... Sucks being a grownup. :)

9/27/12

Sorted crinolines for a few hours at the costume shop today. Also learned how to spell "crinoline." I can cross that off my bucket list.

10/4/12

Today in things I never expected to happen: I was using a price-sticker gun on two new cases of trick peanut cans. The lids kept popping off and the "snakes" came popping out. And I jumped/shrieked every. single. time. I would have been crying laughing on the floor if it were happening to someone else.

10/11/12

A conspiracy theorist came into the costume shop looking for ideas to help throw off the facial-recognition software the government uses to keep track of us all. No prostheses, had to be something easy to take off when he got where he was going.

10/10/12

At the costume shop, we have women's versions of every men's costume -- sexy pirate, sexy cop, sexy doctor, sexy sailor -- except the one I want to be for Halloween: sexy comptroller.

10/13/12

Today at the costume shop, I got to ask a hot guy to turn around and let me see what he had back there. I didn't get written up, marched to HR, or sent for sexual harassment training and he bought a fake butt a I recommended.

10/15/12

If you have to explain a joke...

by  (Notes) on Monday, October 15, 2012 at 11:44am

PublicFriendsFriends except AcquaintancesOnly MeCustomClose FriendsFamilySee all lists...who can see mePeople I don't knowEditrix, copywriter, columnist at corporate hellHughie & Louie'sSelfRaleigh, North Carolina AreaElon CollegeVarious CompaniesWest Brunswick HighAcquaintancesGo Back

I was regaling my Sainted Southern Mother with funny stories from my adventures working part-time at the costume shop. She was so tickled that I just kept telling her more, pushing the boundaries a little more with each one. She kept laughing, so I kept going and told this one:

A few weeks ago, the owner and one of the funniest women I have ever met, was helping a male customer put together an outfit that wasn't cheap. He said, "I like it, but you've got to make me a deal, though." With his accent, it sounded like he said, "You've gotta make me a dill, dough."

Without missing a beat, she said to her customer, "Poof! You're a dildo!"

SSM: I don't get it. What's a dildo?

Me: Oh, um... never mind.

SSM: No, really. What's a dildo?

Me: It's um, a sexual aid for women.

SSM: What do you mean?

Me: (stammering) It's, uhh, a substitute for something else.

SSM: Still don't get it.

Me: Let's talk about something else... Hey, I sold a fake butt to a cute guy!

(end scene)

10/17/12

Today in things I had the opportunity to say but in a great fit of restraint did not: "Bless your heart honey, I can't help you and your mother look like 'Mr. and Mrs. Smith.' If I had super powers, I wouldn't be working part-time in a costume shop."

10/17/12

Also today in things I had the opportunity to say but in a great fit of restraint did not, chapter two: A 30-something woman was trying to describe her Halloween costume "vision" to me and asked, "Are you familiar with David Bowie?" And I DID NOT let the words, "I don't really follow sports" escape. (That was a tough one, y'all.)

10/18/12

Told the owner I would gladly steam the Henry the VIIIth costume as asked, but I needed to be shown how to work the steamer. She said, "Girl, the only thing domestic about you is you live in a house." I replied, "And the only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house." I like her.

10/19/12

We were so slammed at the costume shop today that when I had a choice between stopping long enough to scarf down some cold barbecue the owner had delivered or smoking a cigarette, I chose the cigarette. My feet hurt so bad that it was all I could do to hobble up the steps into my house an hour ago. There was one message on the answering machine: My Sainted Southern Mother saying: "Hey, just wanted you to know your daddy and I are sitting outside eating fresh oysters with fried cornbread and sweet pickles." Thanks, mom!

10/20/12

I have spent time at the Foxy Lady and the Little Bar, but today, I saw the trashiest thing ever. A 20-something girl came into the costume shop straight from having her bikini-line "Special K" tattoo "bedazzled" with rhinestone microdermals and insisted on showing it to Louie and me. That's bad enough, but if you're going to show strangers your bikini area, opt for a wax job over a DIY with a Bic razor.

10/20/12

I have never seen "The Hunger Games" or "Pirates of the Caribbean," so I rely on my co-workers at the costume shop to help our potential Katnisses and Jack Sparrows. But when a guy came in today asking for an Afro for a "Warriors" costume, I blurted out "Come out to plaaaaayyy" as I motioned for him to follow me to the wig counter.

10/22/12

If I could get paid half as much to help people play dress-up as I did in the corporate world, or if the corporate world were 1/10th as much fun as helping people play dress-up, I would be set for life!

10/24/12

Today in my costume shop adventures: The bitchy twink who came in last night, ran us ragged putting together a "Romy and Michelle" outfit, complained about prices and left without buying anything came back tonight.

"Show me your boobs," he demanded. "My husband wouldn't like that," I replied. As he cut his eyes and huffed, I fetched the $7 fake ones.

He whined that he didn't want to spent that much and mulled it over, trying to decide if he'd come back later to get them.

"How many boobs do you have?" he asked. "Two," I replied, completely straightfaced. He finally cracked a tiny smirk and said, "I just keep pitching them to you, don't I?"

He bought them and hopefully won't be back again tomorrow.

10/25/12

Every time the prissy Junior Leaguer repeated, "I'm a size zero," I got a little closer to saying, "Ima stick my size 7 shoe up your skinny ass, bitch."

10/26/12

God grant me the serenity to be patient with couples who come into the costume shop tomorrow and say, "We have a party tonight, but we don't know what we want to go as."

10/29/12

Today at the costume shop, a lady picked up a pair of "joke" cat-eye glasses and asked, "Are these the ones you're wearing?" I couldn't even play my snotty imaginary reply of "No honey, mine are vintage" in my head because the company in China made a really cute pair of fake cat-eye glasses.

10/30/12

Preemptively writing a press release. Headline: Bloated, hysterical woman detained after Glenwood rampage. "We're still determining the facts," said Raleigh Police Spokesman Jim Sughrue, "but the mitigating factors appear to be combination of menses and repeated exposure to 'The Monster Mash.'"

10/31/12

Talked a customer into buying a fake beard for her child's Halloween costume by telling her my own tale of woe: In third grade, I insisted on being a pirate for Halloween. While my Sainted Southern Mother was busy getting my little sisters dressed, I drew a mustache and beard on with a contraband Magic Marker. My SSM scrubbed and scrubbed my face the next morning, then gave up and made me go to school looking like a hungover longshoreman.

11/1/12

My little temporary job at the costume shop is winding down. I'm going to miss my baseball calf muscles when they atrophy back to bird-leg normal...

11/13/12

Filled in at the costume shop today and took a call from a woman asking if we carried tape to pull the face up. I am not an expert on the tons of theatrical makeup and supplies the shop carries and sells to local theater groups and drama departments, so I had to ask. I got back on the line and told her we didn't have anything like that but could probably order it in time for her production. "I need it for Saturday," she replied. "My daughter's getting married and I want to pull my jowls back."

11/16/12

Off to hang out with a professional Santa Claus all day.

11/16/12

Today's lessons: 1) Do not get in the way of a Dickensian horde. 2) The Clinton, N.C., community theatre group is very serious about their Dickens.

2/4/13

Hooray! Going back to work at the costume shop!

2/6/13

Met a smokin' hot rabbi.

2/15/13

I really, really love working at the costume shop.

2/17/13

I love my job. :)

Thanks for entertaining our little one while we searched for the perfect outfits :)

2/20/13

I was not in the mood to be proselytized to today. This kid asked me if I belonged to a church in Raleigh and I politely said no and tried to change the subject, as that's a really personal thing. He plowed on and asked me if I had heard of Jesus, so I replied, "Is he related to Santa Claus?" Needless to say, it was an awkward few minutes at the counter of the costume shop while we waited for his pastor to text back approval on the scary, latex Satan mask he sent the kid to buy for the evening's youth program. 

2/23/13

Busy day at the costume shop today. Purim, a quinceañera and a sorority's "Old South" formal. I learned about three cultures formerly foreign to me through playing dress-up. :)

2/28/13

A one-armed man came into the costume shop today. That, of course, is not funny. What was funny, though, was that he was wearing a hoodie emblazoned with the logo for Terry's Knives.

3/1/13

While leaving a doctor's appointment, I smiled at two 50-something men chatting together quite amicably in the lobby. It took a couple of beats to realize that they REALLY were a prison guard and a cuffed, shackled inmate in an orange and white striped uniform from Central Prison and that I wasn't at work at the costume shop.

3/6/13

Today in things I really said at work: "Was that the male stripper again? I told him the same thing. He is not going to be able to strip out of that Batman suit."

3/9/13

A woman came into the costume shop and asked me, "Do you have any middle age clothes?" So I twirled around while replying, "I'm wearing them." #lovemylittlejob

3/12/13

Reason #524 I love working at the costume shop: I had the honor of meeting some awesome young people from the Boys and Girls Club's Malkuta Project and helping dress them for the anti-dating violence video they created for Interact. Great job, guys!

3/20/13

Harlem Shake: Culture's bane is a costume shop's boon.

3/21/13

A very sweet woman called ahead to make sure the shop would be open before she drove from out of town to get her daughter's Boss Hogg costume for showing her pig at an upcoming 4-H fair. After she filled out her rental agreement with her address, I said, "If I'd known you were coming all the way from Wilson, I'd have asked you to bring me some barbeque from Parker's." "If I'd known, I would have," she replied. ♥

3/22/13

My day at the costume shop today was a straight, teenaged boy's fantasy. I spent most of my time helping underwear-clad, hard-bodied, size 2 sorority girls into and out of dresses for the upcoming KA Old South Ball in Charleston -- often two or three at the time.

3/23/13

I didn't realize how completely sedentary my lifestyle was. In just six weeks of running around at the costume shop, I've gone down a size and feel great. Happy is good for you! (Cue the "Who are you and what have you done with Leigh Ann?" replies...)

3/24/13

So yesterday at the costume shop, we were desperately searching for a shoe cover for one of the pink bunny suits that was going out. I found a pink shoe cover, but Louie informed me it went with a pig suit. She said, "Girl! You ain't from the country if you don't know what a pig's foot looks like." I responded, "I know what one tastes like." "Ugh. You win," she said. :)

3/27/13

Me working at the costume shop is exactly like Peter Gibbons at the end of "Office Space," when he's happily working construction.

3/29/13

Fun day at work and fun commute home: Heard Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" on my drive home down Glenwood and turned it up to teenage volume while belting out "You got what I neeeed" and busting my car moves. Between stoplights. At stoplights, I'd turn down the volume, shut my mouth and sit still, because I do not want to run across myself viral on YouTube as "Old White Lady Twerking in a Jetta."

4/3/13

I have never seen -- and have ZERO intention of ever seeing -- "The Sound of Music." So you can imagine the look of abject horror on my face when the normal-looking lady from the community theatre group came in asking for swastikas.

4/12/13

A 50-something woman told me today she had never colored her hair. I gasped and informed her it was my duty to take away her Southern lady membership card. She replied, "Oh, but I had some perms in my time, honey." "Whew. You're back in," I said.

4/13/13

Every single day at the costume shop, I answer phone calls that start out, "I have a weird question." And I reply, "Not around here, you don't." #lovemylittlejob

4/14/13

We're doing our taxes right now. Steve asked me what I wanted to list as my current occupation and I gleefully told him, "Costumer!" Nobody ever came up to me at work to tell me I had the best job ever when my current occupation was "Communications Specialist." :)

Click here for Vol. 2.