Friday, May 30, 2008
you look stupid leighannf
I was almost tempted to click on the link to find out how the sender knew how stupid I looked. But, alas, I didn't.
Today is the last weekday of my sabbatical. I didn't read loads of good books (though I read one mediocre one). I didn't clear out the junk from the unused upstairs so we could refinish it. I didn't complete my manuscript and find a literary agent. I didn't strap on the rollerskates Steve bought me a year ago and lose 20 pounds. I didn't make up for lost wages through the fabulous freelance opportunities that came my way. And I didn't Bedazzle (TM) everything in my closet.
I really didn't do much at all. And I really don't regret a thing.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I practiced writing "Mrs. Nick Rhodes" over and over
The passion must have sneaked up on me. By the time I was a 14-year-old freshman in high school, I was an off-the-rails, obsessed Durannie. I never left the house with fewer than 30 Duran Duran buttons pinned to my outfit. I spent all my babysitting money on Tiger Beat magazine and all its clones, clipping the 8x10 photos and plastering them on my wall. Bought every Duran Duran poster Spencer Gifts had in stock; but my very most prized possession was a poster of just my beloved Nick Rhodes I'd ordered from England out of the back of Rolling Stone. He had red hair and was wearing a headband and a black and white striped shirt under a blue (or was it black?) blazer. His was the first face I saw in the morning and the last I saw before drifting off to sleep with the radio on.
Oh, how I dreamed of Nick Rhodes. I had never been kissed and knew -- was certain! -- that my first kiss would be with him just before he swept me away from Shallotte to England to marry me and live in a castle. I'd stare at his pictures and try to emulate his makeup. I'd practice my Brummie accent based on the clips of him speaking I'd tape-recorded off the television when I'd stay up all night long watching Friday Night Videos waiting for a glimpse of them (we didn't have the fledgling MTV on our cable network then). I bought their VHS collection of videos and begged my friend to let me watch them at her house, as her family had one of the few VCRs in the neighborhood back then.
It was in Mrs. Zelphia Grissett's Civics class in January of that year that Robert Bellamy told me Duran Duran was coming to North Carolina to play the Greensboro Coliseum. "Get off the floor," Mrs. Grissett told me, trying to regain control of her classroom after my shrieking outburst. "I have to go use the phone, Mrs. Grissett, it's an emergency!," I pleaded. "Sit down, Leigh Ann," she replied. I spent that class period furiously writing a note to my best friend, just like I did every class period then, but this note was really important!
During my lunch period, I called my daddy at work from the school's one pay phone (after waiting for the mean redneck girls to finish their conversations to their dropout, unemployed boyfriends) to tell him he HAD to take me to Greensboro to see Duran Duran. Otherwise, I'd just up and die. "Pleasedaddypleasedaddypleasedaddy!," I begged.
I have no idea how tickets were procured back in 1984, before Ticketmaster or the magic of the Interweb, but my darling Daddy acquired three for Duran Duran's Seven and the Ragged Tiger tour on March 30, at the whopping cost of $17.50 each. I was allowed to invite a friend, but as Greensboro was four hours away and the show was on a school night, none of my friends' parents would let them go. So my 11-year-old sister Jill was my date.
Those two months leading up to the show were by far the longest of my life. I could think of nothing other than how Nick Rhodes would spot me in the crowd and our destiny would be fulfilled.
"Nobody speak to me," I announced as Daddy, Jill and I set off on the drive to Greensboro after leaving school early that day. "I have to concentrate." I relinquished my God-given, birthright position in the front seat of the Pontiac 6000 and hunkered down in the back seat with my Walkman and my three Duran Duran tapes. Though we had an hour to kill when we got to Greensboro and Daddy and Jill were hungry, I was too wound up to eat and protested the stop at Burger King across from the coliseum and whined throughout their meal.
We got to the coliseum and I, being just a small town girl living in my lonely world with only Nick Rhodes to give me hope, was completely overwhelmed by the sheer size of the place and the crowd. We made a beeline to the first merch booth, where I dropped several months' worth of babysitting money on tee-shirts, posters and a tour brochure. Jill spent the money Daddy gave her (she was too young to earn her own money) on a Duran Duran headband.
Our seats were up in the highest tier. My daddy, my dear Southern, good ol' boy daddy, sat in his seat, arms laden with Duran Duran merchandise in the middle of our row as Jill looked around in awe of the place and I experienced my very first panic attack.
When the house lights went down, I'm not sure how we did it, but I remember grabbing Jill's hand and jumping over several rows of people in front of us with her trailing like a kite in the air behind me as we made our way down as far as we could go before settling at the railing. As they took the stage, I began crying my heart out. I kept my eyes trained on Nick Rhodes, my beloved, and though I was way up in the nosebleed section on the opposite side of him, he looked me directly in the eye and affirmed my love, promising me we'd be together forever...
I cried all the way home. I cried the entire next day at school, even though I was sporting my tour tee shirt and Jill's headband along with my usual 30 buttons. I really cried, though, the following summer when I heard on the radio that Nick Rhodes was getting married. So I ran away. I got on my bicycle and rode half a mile away to the grocery store and sat crying on a mechanical horse before my mother came to take me home.
My broken heart was mended by my next English pretend-boyfriend, a fellow named Robert Smith.
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On my first day at Elon College, in August 1987, I met a girl named Kathy. We went on to be roommates throughout school and friends for life. We were living together in a flat in London in the fall of 1988 and kept Radio One on at full blast at all times. Duran Duran were making one of their many comebacks at that time, and "All She Wants" came on at least once an hour. We were both former Durannies (Nick liked me more, Kathy!), and we'd make up our own lyrics, cracking ourselves up: "All she wants is (men!), all she wants is (beer!), all she wants is (cash!)."
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Flash forward to 1998. I made my friend David go with me when Duran Duran played at the 14,000-capacity amphitheater here in Raleigh. I say "Duran Duran," but only Simon Le Bon and Nick Rhodes were still in the band. "Oh my gah, David, I loved them when I was a kid. This will be a hoot!"
So we went. We were enjoying adult beverages outside the pavilion when some random girl started talking to me about having been the biggest Duran Duran fan ever, though she'd never seen them live. "Ha," I replied, "I saw them in '84," passively-agressively letting her know that she needed to step off, as I was obviously the bigger fan. Our conversation started to heat up and, though she was much bigger than me, I wasn't about to back down. David dragged me off to our seats.
"This will be really funny," I told David as we waited for the show to start. And when they came out, I squealed so hard my head almost fell off, even though Simon was looking pudgy and Nick was wearing an ill-advised tee shirt/shorts combo on his skinny, English frame.
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Another decade went by before I knew what had happened. Duran Duran reformed with all the original members and recorded an album, then Andy Taylor dropped out and they recorded "Red Carpet Massacre" and went out on the road.
"What the hell," I thought as I rounded up a group of friends to go see them at the little 4,000-capacity amphitheater in the suburbs. After we bought the tickets, I made a point to listen to the new album so I'd know the words at the show. My God. I couldn't get through it (sorry Anna). The beats are fabulous (with the aid of Timbaland), but the lyrics are just simply insipid, and that opinion is coming from someone who would have defended the integrity of "Shake up the picture, the lizard mixture with a dance on the even tide," to the death 24 years ago.
I called home three days before the show and my daddy picked up the phone. "Glad I caught you," I told him, "Duran Duran is Wednesday at 8 and we're planning to leave here at 7." "I'll try to be there around 6," he replied without missing a beat. "Awesome," I said, "I've been saving my babysitting money and need you to hold my stuff." I was relieved that he didn't bring up the fact that I'd stated, 24 years ago, that Duran Duran would be bigger than the Beatles.
Wednesday came and Robby, my standing show date, came to pick me up at the appointed time (Steve is not a fan, he's probably still hating on the fact that when we were 14, all the girls loved the poncy boys in pop bands). We drove out to the suburbs and looked for a place to park. Robby found a spot and rejoiced that it was in the shade. "Yes," I said, "that will be really helpful when we come out of here at 11. Bahahahahahaha." "You're going to blog that, aren't you?," he asked. Certainly not!
We met up with Kathy and her husband, Bob, and made our way to our expensive, pre-order seats. I went to find the smoking section as the kids soldiered through the opening band. During the break, as we were sitting in the outer part of the V shape of amphitheater seating, I looked out behind the stage and saw Nick Rhodes. Then I saw John Taylor.
Kathy and I ran around the barricade to the back entrance to the stage where the band were signing autographs and posing for pictures with people who'd won some radio contest. As we elbowed through the throngs, I couldn't help wondering who all these old people were. Kathy said of Nick Rhodes, our boyfriend, "He's so little!" "OMG, Kathy," I said, after seeing his outfit and haircut, "He looks like me!"
When they finally took the stage, it was still broad daylight, exposing the faces of the middle-aged women and gay men who were once Duran Duran's nubile fan base. They played three songs off the new album and I just rolled my eyes, feeling sorry for these once-kings of the industry. Then they busted out "Planet Earth" and I started feeling it. When I heard the first few notes of "Save a Prayer," I squealed so hard I peed a little.
During "All She Wants," Kathy and I reverted back to our college-aged selves, singing: "All she wants is (earplugs)!," "All she wants is (to sit!)," "All she wants is (bacon!)" But then they segued from "All She Wants" into a perfect cover of The Normal's cold, electronic "Warm Leatherette." And I was dumbstruck.
They closed, of course, with "Rio," and Robby and I made our way back to the once-shaded car. We talked about the fact that we'd relived both our first concert experiences from 1984 (his was Van Halen) in three weeks and we couldn't possibly top that next summer. "We'll have to do Broadway," he said. "Better yet, let's do Branson!" I suggested. So we'll see Yakov Smirnov and Paul Anka and buy tee shirts with our babysitting money.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Vignette from a story in the making (vol. 2)
I've done a little freelance copywriting and turned some down. And these clients were whatever the opposite of humorless, pedantic and anal-retentive is (all this time in leisure suits has affected my once-commanding use of the American English vocabulary), but I've come to realize it's not something I enjoy. Maybe I'm just gun-shy after bad client experiences, but I'd rather focus on editing and telling stories during the summer and autumn of my career. :)
Must have been six months ago that my mama called me to tell me my aunt's best friend's wealthy employer in Wilmington wanted to write his memoirs and was looking for an editor, but he wasn't quite ready to get started at the time. Mama thought it would be a wonderful way for me to make money during my impending sabbatical and I agreed and told her pass my information back up the chain to him.
During the second week of April, I was home screening calls and got a message from an elderly gentleman with a gorgeous, honey-dripping, old-money, Southern accent. He introduced himself and said he lived in Wilmington but was from Raleigh forevah; in fact, his family was the fourth family in Wake County. He was writing a book about his life and needed an editor and (my aunt's best friend) had said I was just wonderful at it. He gave me his name (I'm going to call him R) and said it would be fabulous if I could call him back.
That was on a day I was just beginning to feel leisurely, so I decided to think about it some. Called him back the next day to ask him exactly what he was looking for in an editor and get him to tell me the scope of his project. Instead, he spent almost an hour and a half telling me amazing, almost unbelievable stories about his life growing up here in Raleigh before going on to live a life in the spotlight and traveling around the globe in a whirlwind in a lifetime that now spans 77 years. (Details would, of course, make this entry more interesting, but we're now locked into a proprietary agreement, sorry.) I swear the man didn't stop to take a breath, much less let me speak. And, though I kept the phone to my ear, I stopped really listening 45 minutes in. Wandered around my house, made a grocery list, played with the cats and reminded myself to ooh and ahh and agree from time to time. He never asked me the first question about me or my qualifications.
We made arrangements to meet in person in the suburbs of Raleigh before he went to meet with a client. I asked him to send me a sample of his manuscript to peruse so I could get a scope of the work needed in order to give him a quote, though he never once asked me about my rates. He sent me the entire manuscript, which I wasn't about to spend time reading without a contract. I did read the first three pages and edited them.
I took with me to our meeting a printout of those pages with my (plethora of) changes tracked, a menu of services/rates for him to peruse, along with a personalized contract thinking we'd talk business and charges. Instead, I spent close to three hours at the Olive Garden in Cary looking at snapshots dating from the 1930s to the present, piles of magazine clippings about his career and life, and listening to his stories. Like I wrote before, he was wearing me out, not letting me get a word in edgewise, and I just wanted him to say yea or nay to the charges and let me go. I thought I had an out when the waitress came to clear the plates, but he ordered dessert with two spoons and kept talking. Finally, when the bill came, he asked me to give him all the info I'd brought, telling me he'd look over it when he got home and would get back to me. I didn't care if he didn't sign on at that point, my head was pounding and I wanted to get the hell out of the chain restaurant and the beige suburbs.
He got a to-go cup of water with no ice and beckoned me to his new-model, top-of-the-line, European convertible to meet his little dog. He opened the door and I said, "Hello, pretty girl," to the perfectly groomed, white Bichon yapping at me. I was about to walk away, but R said, "She wants to give you a kiss." Remember, gentle reader, that I am not a dog person, but remembering my Southern manners and professional sensibilities, I leaned over and let her give me one quick lick on my cheek. I backed away toward the baby wipes I keep in my own car and R was still talking to me as I opened my door. "Read over the terms and let me know what you decide to do," I called out, cutting him off. I pulled around the corner and used three fresh baby wipes, leaving one side of my face without makeup a la Victor/Victoria before pulling myself together to drive back to civilization inside the Beltline.
A week went by and I slipped further into my feral, do-nothing lifestyle. I had no office to go to, Steve was out of town and I was in the habit of sleeping from 3:00 until 7:00 twice a day. R left a message on Monday to say he'd looked over the agreement and was ready to sign and asked me to call him. I got his message a few hours later and picked up the land line to call him and got, instead of a dial tone, a crackling sound. Tried calling the land line from my cell phone and only got a busy signal. It was close to my 3 p.m. nap and I could not be bothered with the stress of contacting the phone company, so I didn't.
The next morning was a Tuesday, cleaning day, so I picked up the house and cleared out before Susan came over and I had to get out of the way. Went to Borders to waste some time and my cell phone rang. I was extremely embarrassed; very few people have that number as I only have my phone to make outgoing calls and hate nothing more than a ringing cell phone or cell phone conversation in public. Sent it to voicemail and went about my perusing, but it immediately rang again. I saw that it was my mother calling a second time and panicked thinking there was a medical emergency in the family, so I ran outside and called her back.
"R is freaking out that you haven't called him back, and he had (my aunt's friend) call (my aunt) to call me to tell you to call him immediately!" "Oh, good lord," I thought, because he'd waited a whole week to get back to me, but I assured her I'd call him back.
And I did, from my car, in the Borders parking lot. He told me he was ready to sign the agreement. "Great," I told him, "Mail it to the address on the agreement and we'll get started." He proceeded to talk for another 15 minutes before I begged off, blaming a weak signal.
Later that afternoon, my mother called me back after having gotten the report back down the gossip line. "He LOVES you," she told me. "Well of course he does," I told her, "Most of my friends are gay men." But, I told her, I don't do well when being told to jump on command, as I am in charge of work projects I take on. I never did do well with demurring to authority, much to my sainted mother's chagrin.
I spent three hours the next day reading the manuscript. I started out with my red editor's pen, correcting spelling and grammar. It took me 15 minutes to get through one page and I left it bleeding profusely with red ink. So I decided the best approach would be to soldier through the first round just getting a feel for the stories and not marking up mistakes. They were amazing and I laughed out loud over and over; but the prose was completely horrible.
Wrote R an e-mail telling him that, in my professional opinion, his manuscript would need a total rewrite instead of an editor's touch. I wrote him that I'd be willing to do it, but if I did, we'd be looking at months instead of weeks of work and gave him the option to beg off, as it would be much more expensive than what I'd guesstimated in the quote I gave him. Told him I'd hold off on any further billable work until I heard back from him.
Took R a few days to check his e-mail, as he's from the (very) old school. He wrote back and basically told me to do whatever it took, he didn't care about money, just wanted to do it right. So I e-mailed him back telling him I wanted to meet with him and record an interview with him. Asked him when he'd be available and told him I'd come to Wilmington at his convenience.
Crickets. For four weeks. Over that period, I became even more feral, enjoying my time doing nothing at all. I rankled at leaving the house for doctor, hair and even spa appointments (lest that sound like I'm accustomed to such things, a friend and I both had gift certificates and made an appointment for a girls' day out). I didn't want to do anything work-related, but I had R on the back burner and stressed out about him, even though I was waiting for him to contact me. Eventually, I decided I wasn't interested in pursuing the project at all and wanted to fire him as a client, but I couldn't, as my mother, my aunt and her friend all had a vested interest in it.
So I sent R an e-mail about a week ago, stating that this was basically last call. Told him I needed to interview him and would be in town this past weekend for a family reunion and that I could interview him then or just send him a bill for time spent. I held my breath hoping he wouldn't contact me, but on Thursday, he did.
He invited me to his home for a chat. I agreed, but set some ground rules: I would send him a set of questions to help me fill in narrative gaps, I would lead the conversation, and I withheld the right to interrupt him if he went off on a tangent. He agreed and I sent him the set of questions.
Steve and I went to my family reunion at Sunset Beach yesterday and had a wonderful time (Steve saw his first alligators). We went back to the house and hung out with my mother and I told her how I'd really lost interest in R's project but was planning on meeting with him today. "Just do it for the money," she told me. "You only want me to do it so you can hear about his home," I teased. "You're going to his home?!!!!" She was really into it then and made me promise to tell her all about it.
We spent the night in Wilmington last night. This morning before going to R's house we went to a Starbucks and I had a venti double-shot plus energy to get me through. We rehearsed the plan: Steve would take me there, go to the door for an introduction, then go hang out with my aunt before coming back to rescue me in exactly two hours.
At the appointed hour, we pulled into R's driveway. We knocked on the door and heard the Bichon yapping ferociously, followed by "Eat 'em up, girl." R led us into his formal dining room, where he had boxes stacked about, papers and pictures strung across the table. "Have a look around," he said, sitting back down at the table as the dog took her place beside him.
The house was built in the '90s for coastal living, but the furniture, rugs and wall hangings were from centuries past and crafted in Europe and Asia. Like I said, I wish I could provide more details here about R's story, but let those suffice for now.
Steve excused himself. R and I sat down at his dining room table and I turned on my digital recorder. "Introduce yourself to the recorder so I can make sure the sound is right," I told him. "Do what?" will always be the beginning of my audio history with R.
R has been interviewed by reporters from social and fashion rags from around the world, but it's been years (I've seen his clips {including the mod leisure suit line he did} but couldn't find anything on Google as his heyday was in the 50s and 60s), so I had to remind him to let me lead the conversation. He was very eager to answer the questions I sent him and was eager to show me he'd been working on the answers. I had to tell him to slow down and let me lead up to them, but I saw how excited he was and told him I was glad he did his homework and would give him a gold star on the exam.
He'd get to telling a story and get ahead of himself. "Hold on, sweetie, we need more," I'd tell him. "You're in charge," he'd say back, waiting for me to take notes before taking him back to the story.
When we got to the end of the list of questions, I told him we had another 15 minutes before I had to leave and asked him to fill me in on anything he thought I should know. And he took off talking. He told me about one of his classmates at the private school here in Raleigh who was a professor of English at N.C. State. "That's where you teach, isn't it?" he asked. I told him I went to graduate school at State but wasn't a teacher. As he flew into the next bit of his narrative it struck me that he'd just asked his first question about me.
Steve showed up to rescue me at exactly the appointed time. "I have to go," I told R as I packed my recorder and notebook into my portfolio. "Let me show you both just a couple more things," he said. He proceeded to show us both more pictures from various boxes and folders stacked on and around the dining room table.
"We really need to get back to Raleigh, R," I said, trying to make my break.
"Wait, let me give you these," he said, digging out some yellowed clips. "I don't feel right hanging onto those if they're your only copies," I said, trying to escape. "You don't understand," he replied, "let me show you something." With that, he led us to the garage and showed us more stacks of boxes of his clips and memories.
After the tour of the garage, I thanked him and said we really did have to go. "What do you need me to do for now?," he asked after rattling off his intercontinental schedule for the next month. I told him I had everything I needed for now, but he asked me to give him more questions (homework) to work on. I just wanted to get out and go home to Raleigh, so I told him I'd send him a list during the next week.
R followed us out to the car, still talking. We nodded, agreed, reminded ourselves to ooh and ahh, and drove away.
Steve intuitively picked up on the fact that I was a little too burned out from chatter to talk, so I didn't do much of that on the two-hour drive back to Raleigh. What I was actually doing during that drive was digesting the picture of R standing in his driveway, in front of his home full of "stuff" he calls it, priceless antiques and works of art the rest of us would call it, with nobody but a little dog to talk to.
R's life has been a beautiful, brave and breathless one, full of adventure and unbelievable wealth. But he's spending his twilight years without a partner to share them with.
He's got me, though. And I am a feisty, loyal thing. We're going to get his memoirs published and they will rock. Oh yes. Nobody will forget R as long as I'm on the case.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Bon Jovi prom: The higher the hair, the closer to God

I keep this picture in my wallet. That's me and my platonic buddy Reid at my senior prom in 1987. The theme was "Never Say Goodbye."
Awww, yeaaahh. Check out my FREAKIN' FABULOUS perm! I went to a stylist and had it backbrushed and sprayed up to the gods. It was so frozen that, even after hanging my head out the window trying to talk to my friend in the next car over while doing 85 on Highway 17 from Wilmington to Shallotte trying to make curfew (I couldn't stay out of trouble back then), it didn't move an inch. Took me two days to wash out the product.
That dress was from the "Dynasty" collection. Those of you who know me and the big girls now might not believe it, but I was so flat-chested I had to wear a padded bustier to fill it out. And I nearly injured my spine jutting my padless coccyx out to give me the appearance of a butt. Looks like I have one, though, doesn't it? Good job, spine.
Reid's tux belonged to his dad, who'd purchased it in the 70s (hence the huge bowtie). I'd had a dramatic falling out with my original date two days before and asked Reid to go with me, so he didn't have time to rent one.
And do check out the mullet on Reid. He can't grow one like that anymore. :) I, on the other hand...
This post was inspired by Alice at Elegant Thimble.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Best. Unintentional Compliment. Ever.
"Please," I replied, "It's starting to look like a mullet."
As she took out the razor and studied the hair on my neckline, she said, "Your hair mullets well."
Next time I have a job interview and am asked to rattle off my attributes, I'm totally going to say, "I pride myself on my attention to detail, my work ethic and the fact that my hair mullets well."
If I find myself at the scene of an accident, I'll push the EMTs and Scientologists aside, announcing, "Stand back! My hair mullets well!"
Someday when I'm rich and famous for this silly blog and my column and the re-animated corpse of Barbara Walters is interviewing me on the key to my success, I'll sit back studiously stroking my chin and narrowing my eyes before leaning forward and directly addressing the soft-focus lens. "Well, re-animated Barbara," I'll say, "You may not know this, but my hair mullets well."
Eventually I'll leave this mortal coil. Inscribed on my tombstone will be: Here lies Leigh Ann, her hair mulleted well.
And my friends and family can visit it and never cry because they can remember the fabulousness that was my easily mulletable hair and bask in the joy its memory will inspire.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Today's lesson in irony (5/13/08)
Steve is in England. His Mustang is parked in front of our house. Next to it is my hideous (seriously, my cleaner made fun of it, too) Dodge Caliber automatic rental, which I picked up this morning after I dropped Judy Jetta off to have her hit-and-run damage repaired. I'm paying $48 dollars a day (turned down rental insurance as I figured my new car wouldn't end up in the shop) for it to pretty much sit out there for a few days, as I'm out of work and too sick to go anywhere.
Karma's a bitch, kids.
(I love you -- and your Mustang -- Mr. Sweetypants!)
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The moment the world stopped spinning on its axis
Today, I sent her a Hallmark e-card saying something like, "Thanks for loving me even though I grew up to be a pink-haired girl. I promise to never use your real name in print or on the blog. :)"
I got this response:
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Happy Mother's Day, Miss Birdie. You will always be a rock star in my eyes.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Open letter to the person who smashed into my parked car
Wish I knew who you were, so I could address you personally and we could talk about what happened. It was in the parking lot of
All I can tell from the damage is you were in a white vehicle. I wonder what kind it was and if you loved your car as much as I love mine. Judy Jetta was my dream car and the first new car I've ever had in my life. After driving beater used cars for seven to eight years apiece, I finally got to the point in my life to save up and buy her when I was 36.
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I stopped by Southern States Volkswagen, the dealership by my home on the way back from work and asked for a Jetta brochure. They wouldn’t give me one, assuming I wasn’t a serious buyer. For the record, I know, having been in the business of producing car brochures, how much they cost per piece and that some people collect them as a hobby. Back in the agency days, my partner and I were sent out undercover with an A8 to hit up the Mercedes, BMW and Lexus dealerships for brochures to study the competition (our favorite thing to do to get in and out quickly was to pretend to be a couple and immediately get in a fight and make the salespeople uncomfortable). So I went home and downloaded one and pored over the specs.
Because my last three cars were old and powerless, taking off in that powerful car and flying through the gears was nearly euphoric for me. Yes, I thought, this is my dream car, except for the color. “Sorry, that’s the only five-speed we have on the lot,” he said, basically telling me I could take it or leave it, unless I wanted to pay another $500 in transport fees from another dealership. So I left it.
So, person who hurt Judy, I am in a position to carry comprehensive insurance. Hopefully, the $4,700 worth of damage you caused will be covered after my $500 deductible. Paying that $500 will not cause us to go without groceries, but it puts us $500 away from things we’ve worked toward and dreamed about.
An anonymous note reading, "Sorry I hit your car," would have taken a lot of the insult out of the injury.
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Oh, Judy, don't let our sweet love
Wither and die like flowers in the fall,
Oh Judy, don't you know it's you
I love most of all,
Oh, please, come back I promise always to be true,
Oh Judy, there'll never be anyone else, else but you.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Tiptoe through the typos
Like I wrote before, it's hard on the eyes and on the nerves. For every million things you get right, the one you get wrong always comes back to bite you.
So yesterday when my big debut included a typo on the front page of the Lifestyles section (...married to a English scientist) and on the interactive page (Leigh Ann Frink describes why he wants to be a writer), I was honestly glad that they happened to me and not the other columnists. Because, you see, I know firsthand the misery of having 10 different people whose errors I correct every day gleefully pointing out mine. So my heart goes out to the editor who missed those.
On the flipside, I wrote a letter to the editor of my hometown paper smacking down a jerk not for his views (that's not challenging to me), but for his grammar. The editorial assistant at the paper took it upon him- or herself to change my correct pronoun "his" to "their" in my carefully crafted landing sentence. (UPDATE: I asked them to correct it on the online version, but a couple thousand print versions are out there.) I'm sitting here waiting for the flame war. Bring it! Mama's got nothing but time on her hands until June 2. That's when I go back to my contract position at a Fortune 250 that edits its dry corporate communications with more care...
(UPDATE 2: My mama wrote them a letter and they printed a retraction. Don't mess with my mama.)
Of course, the first sentence there is all over the place and ignores the basic "subject verb object" rule. But, instead of picking more fights with them, I'm going to go and flog myself for devolving to the point where I notice and am irritated by these things.
God, please let Steve get a good job so I don't have to do this anymore.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Nooooooooo!!!!!

I don't even care about the typo. They printed my age!!!! One of my very favorite cheap thrills has always come from adding eight to 12 years to my age when responding to anyone rude enough to ask, just so they'd tell me how young I look. Rats!
See me talking like a dork here.
Van. Freakin'. Halen.

The 1984 album came out came out and I stole my sister's copy when I was a freshman in high school and living four hours from the nearest arena. By the time I graduated, they'd become Van Hagar. I kinda liked "Why Can't This Be Love," but otherwise, I had no use for them without David Lee Roth.
We bought tickets for the reunion tour six months ago. Our original tickets were for March 5, but the show was postponed twice due to Eddie Van Halen's health issues.
I had freelance work to do today, but I was too excited about tonight's show. Steve, who's from England and has no respect for Van Halen (though his 16-year-old son does; that's my boy, Baby Bear!) asked me what I was planning to wear. Then he asked, "What, exactly, does a middle-aged woman wear to a classic rock show these days?" He ducked.
Way back in the day, say last year, I would have dressed up to go. Unfortunately, I've been out of work for six weeks and have gone feral. Got out of bed from my nap at 6:30, half an hour before the kids met here. Took a quick shower and dried my hair, but couldn't be bothered to put on makeup or even close-toed shoes. Threw on comfy clothes and flip-flops as the kids pulled up and off we went to the RBC Center.
We bought our $8 beers and went to our awesome seats on stage left. My rock star friend Melissa and her producer buddy met up with us. The world's worst opening band started playing. Seriously. The singer looked like Corey Glover and had a great voice, but they were playing what sounded to me like Christian rock. "Are we at Van Halen or Praise 2008?," I asked Mel. Laura and I couldn't take it and went outside to smoke.
At long last, that band stopped playing. The six of us chattered in total anticipation: We ranged in age from 35 to 39 and we were as excited as teenagers waiting to see the Rock Gods of our youth, as there are no real Rock Gods anymore. A huge, remote-control blimp with the VH logo circled the stadium and we all squealed.
Then the house lights went down. From our side-stage seats, we could see them walk out behind the drop-curtain. And we could totally see them standing in position through the first strains of "I'm the One."
The curtain dropped and Diamond Dave came out strutting and swinging the microphone stand. He was sporting short hair and a total rock star getup of a sparkly, rhinestone jacket and leather pants. He's shaved his chest hair, which inspired a lot of fantasies in me when I was 10, but the effect of it showed off his six-pack. OMG, that man is the greatest front man ever.
Seriously. He didn't do as many martial-arts jumps as he did in the 80s videos, but he pranced and danced and got the crowd into a frenzy. He totally entertained the crowd between songs. At one point early on, he was joking about the band's age and said, "It takes three of us to lift a flat-screen television to throw it out a hotel window these days." And his voice... phenomenal.
Melissa's friend joked that Eddie Van Halen was dressed like he worked at Old Navy in his plaid shirt and cargo pants. But he looked great. Healthy. And when he did his nearly 10-minute version of "Eruption," we all knew we were witnessing greatness.
That little Wolfie Van Halen's bass was decorated like the guitar his dad made famous. I can't believe he's the same age as my baby bear. He's obviously going through an awkward physical time, but he worked that stage like he'd been performing for 25 years. When he took to the top of the platform around the stage and DLR pointed him out as he thumped out the first few notes of "Running With the Devil," I completely forgot he was just a baby.
When's the last time you went to a show with a drum solo? When's the last time you saw a huge gong behind a drummer? Melissa is a drummer, so she truly appreciated and rocked out during the interlude. I went and got another beer.
During "Ice Cream Man," a kid who looked like one of the characters in "Dazed and Confused" rushed the stage and started hugging Eddie Van Halen. Before the bodyguards could get there, David Lee Roth totally jerked the kid by the neck and got him off Eddie. How rock star is that?
I got to hear all my favorite old Van Halen songs, including "Jamie's Cryin'," "And the Cradle Will Rock," "Little Dreamer," ad nauseum. They closed with "Jump," and glitter confetti fell from the rafters and we all felt like kids again, watching the best rock show ever and forgetting about all the things we worry about from day to day. Things that make us feel old.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Cue Barry Manilow...

Looks like we made it... big lips, poor scanning skills and all. Thank you my friends for supporting me and giving me feedback on the entries that got me to this point!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are...
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Is Southern charm real?
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When northerners or any other person besides those from the South visit, spend a lot of money and then go back home, we get Southern charm. (LA: Well, duh, that's retail 101.) Now they refer to us as damn Yankees because some of us came and did not go back. (LA: Yes, it's like when distant relatives you really don't like come to visit and overstay their welcome.)
Twenty-five years ago, you could count on one hand how many millionaires lived in this area, and you could also name the few people who ran everything. (LA: Yes. We like those people. Most of us know or went to school with them. They had the charm and grace not to flaunt their wealth and looked and acted just like everybody else.) Today, more people from around the world live and thrive here. (LA: To my knowledge, few Mexicans/Ecuadorans are thriving there while doing migrant work.)
When Americans move within America, and areas see a huge change in the economy and in the future, residents should be thanking the Lord for answering their prayers and helping their family get jobs, healthcare and more money than the South had ever recorded. (LA: Actually, we never in a million years would have prayed for arrogant, assumptive assholes to join us, as the South Brunswick Islands have done quite well with the ports and international shipping, the seafood industry, and -- unfortunately -- tourism.)
Our ancestors came here; black, white, brown, yellow and so on for a better life and I sure am glad they made those bold choices for me and my family. (LA: I double dog dare you to present that argument to an African American. And I'm just guessing, but your ancestors were probably Irish and came here to escape maltreatment from the rest of Europe, not to give you a false sense of entitlement to be a total dick to others who don't share your belief system.)
If we are not from the South, then this is like foreign land, and we made the bold move to come here to not only change our lives forever but also every Southerner who is still here today. (LA: Wait, wait, wait... Did you really have the hubris to say you moved here to change my life? Was that code for irritate the hell out of me? Because that's the only way your statement was in any way accurate.) People made greedy decisions during the housing boom, and when the pyramid scheme was out of the bag some got left holding that bag.
Well, as I see the foreclosure number double and triple (LA: The proper word there would be "treble"), I don't hear any investor or speculator saying, "If my ancestors wouldn't [have] come to this country, I would not be bankrupt." It is time for everybody to stop, sit back and thank God you even had the 50 cents to buy this newspaper instead of finding ways to blame people you never even knew, calling yourself anything other than an American (unless you're not) and wishing people would stay wherever they came. (LA: What? Sorry, fell asleep halfway into that runon sentence.)
If it were decided tomorrow to go back 25 years and never migrate to this beautiful area, then this area would still be picking tobacco and cotton. (LA: That makes no sense at all.)
Southern charm is like most anything else; you either always had it and always will or you'll just fake it. Nobody needs to move anywhere. (LA: Actually, you can move the hell back where you came from. Kthxbai.)
You just need to know you are who you are and nobody and no amount of money will change that. (LA: You obviously have no sense of irony.)
If you want to thank or praise anyone, make it the Lord, who put us all together for good, not the bad.
Enjoy the hand you where dealt (LA: Were, not where. You're really making that difficult), and God bless everyone, and God bless America.
Ralph E. McClernan, Calabash___________________________
I drafted this letter to the editor of the local paper:
Editor:
In a letter titled, "Is Southern Charm Real?" (May 1, 2008), a reader suggests: "If it were decided tomorrow to go back 25 years and never migrate to this beautiful area, then this area would still be picking tobacco and cotton."
Well. Got me there. I can't argue with that statement because I can't find the subject of the first clause and therefore cannot follow the logic.
I wasn't picking cotton or tobacco in Brunswick County 25 years ago, I was learning basic sentence structure at Shallotte Middle School.
Perhaps the author's tax dollars would be better spent improving fundamental education in his native school system.
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UPDATE: The letter ran and generated a slew of "Hell, yeah," and "Go girl!" comments on the paper's Web site. The letter writer never came back with a rebuttal. His jackass reputation stretches halfway up the East Coast (see comments). Tee hee.

