Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are...

Here's the thing about charm, Southern or otherwise. It's just like respect, you have to earn it. If you're nice to us, we'll charm the pants off you. If you insult us, we'll cut you down to size with a very sweet smile. We have no patience for condescending outlanders because of attitudes like this one published in my beautiful beach hometown's weekly paper.

-------------------------

Is Southern charm real?

To the editor: I came to the South two years ago and have yet to witness the Southern charm the world talks about. I have a theory on why.

When northerners or any other person besides those from the South visit, spend a lot of money and then go back home, we get Southern charm. (LA: Well, duh, that's retail 101.) Now they refer to us as damn Yankees because some of us came and did not go back. (LA: Yes, it's like when distant relatives you really don't like come to visit and overstay their welcome.)

Twenty-five years ago, you could count on one hand how many millionaires lived in this area, and you could also name the few people who ran everything. (LA: Yes. We like those people. Most of us know or went to school with them. They had the charm and grace not to flaunt their wealth and looked and acted just like everybody else.) Today, more people from around the world live and thrive here. (LA: To my knowledge, few Mexicans/Ecuadorans are thriving there while doing migrant work.)

When Americans move within America, and areas see a huge change in the economy and in the future, residents should be thanking the Lord for answering their prayers and helping their family get jobs, healthcare and more money than the South had ever recorded. (LA: Actually, we never in a million years would have prayed for arrogant, assumptive assholes to join us, as the South Brunswick Islands have done quite well with the ports and international shipping, the seafood industry, and -- unfortunately -- tourism.)

Our ancestors came here; black, white, brown, yellow and so on for a better life and I sure am glad they made those bold choices for me and my family. (LA: I double dog dare you to present that argument to an African American. And I'm just guessing, but your ancestors were probably Irish and came here to escape maltreatment from the rest of Europe, not to give you a false sense of entitlement to be a total dick to others who don't share your belief system.)

If we are not from the South, then this is like foreign land, and we made the bold move to come here to not only change our lives forever but also every Southerner who is still here today. (LA: Wait, wait, wait... Did you really have the hubris to say you moved here to change my life? Was that code for irritate the hell out of me? Because that's the only way your statement was in any way accurate.) People made greedy decisions during the housing boom, and when the pyramid scheme was out of the bag some got left holding that bag.

Well, as I see the foreclosure number double and triple (LA: The proper word there would be "treble"), I don't hear any investor or speculator saying, "If my ancestors wouldn't [have] come to this country, I would not be bankrupt." It is time for everybody to stop, sit back and thank God you even had the 50 cents to buy this newspaper instead of finding ways to blame people you never even knew, calling yourself anything other than an American (unless you're not) and wishing people would stay wherever they came. (LA: What? Sorry, fell asleep halfway into that runon sentence.)

If it were decided tomorrow to go back 25 years and never migrate to this beautiful area, then this area would still be picking tobacco and cotton. (LA: That makes no sense at all.)

Southern charm is like most anything else; you either always had it and always will or you'll just fake it. Nobody needs to move anywhere. (LA: Actually, you can move the hell back where you came from. Kthxbai.)

You just need to know you are who you are and nobody and no amount of money will change that. (LA: You obviously have no sense of irony.)

If you want to thank or praise anyone, make it the Lord, who put us all together for good, not the bad.

Enjoy the hand you where dealt (LA: Were, not where. You're really making that difficult), and God bless everyone, and God bless America.

Ralph E. McClernan, Calabash

___________________________

I drafted this letter to the editor of the local paper:

Editor:

In a letter titled, "Is Southern Charm Real?" (May 1, 2008), a reader suggests: "If it were decided tomorrow to go back 25 years and never migrate to this beautiful area, then this area would still be picking tobacco and cotton."

Well. Got me there. I can't argue with that statement because I can't find the subject of the first clause and therefore cannot follow the logic.

I wasn't picking cotton or tobacco in Brunswick County 25 years ago, I was learning basic sentence structure at Shallotte Middle School.

Perhaps the author's tax dollars would be better spent improving fundamental education in his native school system.

-------------------------

UPDATE: The letter ran and generated a slew of "Hell, yeah," and "Go girl!" comments on the paper's Web site. The letter writer never came back with a rebuttal. His jackass reputation stretches halfway up the East Coast (see comments). Tee hee.