A super display of ambivalence on my part

I just called my mama for our weekly post-church chat (wherein I wait around until after noon to call her). Asked her if she'd gone to the store yet for a case of beer and chips/dip for the big game. Warned her that she needed to get on it -- the grocery store shelves would be getting bare.

Football, like chess and poker, is something people have tried to explain to me many times over the years, but I just glaze over. Too many rules, too little action for my attention span.

Back in high school, I went to every football game freshman and sophomore years because I was in band (shut up and don't look at me like that). Junior and senior years, my friends and I would either go to the games with Seagram's wine coolers shoved up our sleeves or say we were going and party on the beach. Went to half of one homecoming game my freshman year in college and ate KFC out of the back of a friend's Camaro before getting into some contraband Wild Turkey.

My friends Rex and Ray have season tickets for the NC State games. Ray is a huge Pack supporter (he has three degrees from there) and is also big Mr. Sportsfan. They throw elaborate tailgates in the extra parking spot they paid for and cover with a tent. I used to go to the games with them, but I rarely ever ventured into the stadium. My job was to entertain Rexy, who isn't a big football fan, either. So here's what would always happen: We'd all leave two hours before the game, party it up, then everyone else would go into the game and Rex and I would keep the party going in the parking lot. I'd still be hanging in there when everybody else came out at halftime, but would need to lie down in the Expedition afterward, bladder aching because I can't bring myself to use a (shudder) port-a-potty. I'd wake up from my nap after the game, completely dehydrated and nearly in tears from needing to go. Everybody else would come out and want to party for another hour until the parking lot cleared out. I'd relent and go to the port-a-potty, trying to hover, hold up my jeans cuffs and not touch the wall. And my jeans would always end up touching the floor, causing me to gag.

So I stopped going.

Needless to say, I'm less than excited about tonight's Super Bowl. All I know about the teams is that the quarterback for the Patriots left his pregnant actress girlfriend for a supermodel. I only know this because I waste a lot of brain cells reading celebrity gossip blogs.

In the days before the Interweb, I'd leave the game on so I could watch the commercials and cheer on the otherwise oppressed creative teams who were lucky enough to have clients with deep pockets and enough trust in them to let them go all out and make great work. Now, I can go to AdWeek or any number of sites to see the spots, so I can skip the game.

Speaking of advertising, years ago when I was at the agency, one of our clients sponsored the halftime show, so I watched that. Halftime shows used to be a great production, but now they're Disneyfied, lowest common denominator pap (Thanks, Ms. Jackson). I mean, come on -- Paula Abdul prerecorded? Without MC Skat Cat? What, Stacy Q, Pebbles and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli were unavailable to lip-synch? Pfft.

The biggest football fan I know is my British ex-pat mother-in-law. She lurrrrves her some Dallas Cowboys. That didn't rub off on her son, who came to this country years after she did.

Steve is still true to his country's obsession. We subscribe to Fox World Sports so he can follow his beloved West Ham. He spends hours and hours playing World Football Manager on his laptop.

Yesterday, he was quite put off over hearing an ESPN talking head refer to the Super Bowl as "the most important game in the world." "Well, it is," I teased.

Indignant, he sputtered, "The World Cup is the most important! And the Olympics -- what about the Olympics??!!"

"The rest of the world doesn't count, " I replied, smiling sweetly.

He's so gonna pay me back for that during ACC/NCAA basketball tourney season.

Anyhoo, go (football team of your choice)! Wake me when it's over.