Random January Monday, 2008

An entry in three parts.

I. Freak injury

My right shoulder was hurting all day yesterday and I just assumed it was from sleeping on it wrong. I spent the whole day twisting and stretching to try to relieve it.

Last night, as my girl-buddy and I were waiting to cross Blount Street in front of the church in the netherlands where we park, it started seizing up like a vise. By the time we got close to the cars, I felt like my right lung was getting squeezed out of its cavity and I couldn't breathe. Didn't say anything because I was freaking out and didn't want to freak my friend out.

When I started the car, a white-hot pain started shooting down my shifting arm. Involuntary tears were streaming down my face and I was terrified of losing my Chick-Fil-A lunch. I limped poor Judy Jetta the three miles down Capitol in third gear. Managed to get home and out of the car, but I couldn't even stand up straight. Came in the door screaming and couldn't get my coat off.

Steve helped me get face-down on the bed and was going to rub my back, but I couldn't stand even the lightest touch. He said he could feel my muscle jumping all around in spasm. Used up all my remaining stash of guaranteed happy funtime elixir from Dr. Feelgood and stared at the ceiling all night.

II. Seeing a physician

My very liberal GP, Dr. Feelgood, closed her practice a few months ago and I never bothered to get a new doctor. I called the practice Steve visits at 8 a.m., then waited around the house for three hours for them to call me back.

They fit me in and Steve drove me to my appointment a half-hour early so I could fill out all the forms. In the waiting room, as I watched Steve read a National Geographic, I saw the entire rest of our lives together; getting older and hanging out in doctors' offices.

Once we got the insurance info filed, I spent a good 15 minutes filling out the extensive medical history questionnaire. I filled in the information explaining my Grandma Tommie's glaucoma, my Grandpa Lee's prostate cancer, my Grandma Ruby's diabetes, my Grandpa Grady's heart disease and my daily intake of cigarettes, coffee and alcoholic beverages, and lack of exercise habits.

I was finally escorted back. The nurse weighed me, took my blood pressure, etc. Then she proceeded to ask me questions and take notes about my exercise habits and daily intake of cigarettes, coffee and alcoholic beverages. I really wanted to say, "Can't you look at the questionnaire on the chart?" But I didn't and politely (and with great embarrassment) answered all the questions aloud.

Minutes after the nurse left the room, the P.A. came in and introduced herself. She then began asking me about my exercise habits and daily intake of cigarettes, coffee and alcohol. That's when it became really funny to me. I stopped short of saying, "If you'll refer to the two recent sets of notes, you'll see that medical opinion has been established that I'm a lazy, chain-smoking lush dependent on caffeine to continue to be functional."

III. The diagnosis

I'm allergic to purebred North American domestic alley cats like Dave. I lived with Himalayans Ed and Eudora for 1o years before rescuing him and never had a problem.

The potties are in here where I spend hours writing silly e-mails and blog entries -- we only have two bedrooms and a small bath in our little WWII bungalow, so there's no other place to put them where they'll be out of view. I've been sneezing like crazy for a few weeks and just started taking Claritin last weekend, but it was too late.

My loud, frequent, very physical sneezing, in conjunction with a gall bladder problem, is what the doctor thinks led to the wear-down in my muscle, which led to the breakdown spasms.

My Sophie's choice is between chucking the cats or my desktop computer and giving up communication altogether, as I cannot type on a laptop and don't like to talk on the phone. Think I'll keep taking the Claritin and snuggling with my purry babies. If I have another muscle attack, I'll make the most of the Skelaxin I got today and write laid-back, happytime blog entries.

Happy pills to all, and to all a good night.