Move over William Shatner. There's a new negotiator in town.

My parents decided to drive to Raleigh to fly to Chicago for a funeral. My Sainted Southern Mother, who is convinced the government has files on every single citizen and monitors us all (although under the Patriot Act, which she accepts without question, she might not be too far off), refuses to buy anything on the Internet because she's heard too many stolen ID stories from Bill O'Reilly. She'll actually find things online and ask ME to purchase them for her, then she sends me a check. I guess it's okay if my ID gets stolen...

So last night, she called me up to get help with booking airline tickets. I explained that she would have to use her own credit card to book it, check in and get her tickets at the airport. She said, "Okay, but I want you to do it." Sigh.

My Good Ol' Boy Daddy picked up the other line to talk as I logged on to Priceline and started searching flights. I had to cradle the phone with my right shoulder, which was deep in the throes of tetanus-shot pain.

I got the list of flights and started reading them aloud. For about 20 minutes, I read them the prices, schedules and details of flights I found. As they debated aloud about times and prices, I waited patiently.

We finally agreed on one, and I set up an account for my mother using her credit card. She balked on giving me the security code, as she believes that's the number one way information gets stolen. After I assured her that the site was secure and we couldn't complete the purchase without it, she finally relented.

In order to complete the account, she had to set up a password. Priceline doesn't just let you pick your own, it offers a series of reminder questions from which to choose, with the answer being your password.

Leigh Ann: Okay. Your password has to be at least six characters. (I then read the list of questions.)

My Sainted Southern Mother : Let's do favorite pet. AJ.

LA: That's not enough characters.

SSM: How about "Leigh Ann?"

LA: If it asks you your favorite pet's name, I don't think you'll remember to enter "Leigh Ann."

SSM: Ohhhh... Then put "(my daddy's name)."

LA: Same problem with that one. You need to use an actual pet.

SSM: Okay! JB.

LA: Again, not enough characters. How about your best friend's last name?

SSM: I don't really have a best friend. Use "(my daddy's name)."

LA: You need a last name to remember the answer. And that's not enough characters.

SSM: Then put "Frink."

LA: That's not enough characters.

SSM: It's not? F-R-I-N-K. Oh, it's not.

LA: Let's try using the location of your first date.

(My daddy) chimes in: (chuckling) It wasn't with your mama.

SSM: I don't remember our first date.

LA: THIS ISN'T HARD, Y'ALL! Okay, what's your favorite movie?

SSM: (Thinks a while) I really don't have one.

LA: YOU LOVE GONE WITH THE WIND!!

SSM: I like (movie title) better.

LA: Okay, fine! Write this down!!!

We booked the flight, then discussed airport parking for another 15 minutes. My shoulder was ACHING and I really wanted an adult beverage. So I got off the phone and had several. Then my Sainted Southern Mother called me back about booking a hotel in Chicago...